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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It frustrates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that therapy might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a safe space to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This process will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.